My relationship with exercise

Do you know what my spirit animal is?  It's actually Jennifer Lawrence.  Especially with this quote.



I hate working out.

I am all for having a healthy lifestyle, and I will go on 10-mile hikes without batting an eyelash.  But when it comes to standing in front of a TV, listening to fit people lecture me on my technique....



I just hate it.  There is nothing fun about it, and it's not something I really have time for right now.  And I know right now everyone is rolling their eyes at me and thinking "No one has time for working out.  You have to MAKE time for it." That's true.  And I REALLY admire the people who do, no joke. But I'm at a point right now where I have three kids at home and I have to MAKE time for things like keeping my house (somewhat) clean and spending time with Brandon and editing pictures that I've already been paid to take. Having a good marriage and a semi-sanitary living space just win out every time.  I could make time for working out if I really wanted to.  It is just very low on my list.

But for the past few months I've been really hard on myself about this.  Let me get one thing straight: I'm not fat.  Not even close.  Most people can't even tell I've gained weight.  I'm 5 months postpartum and have 7 lbs of baby weight still stuck to me. But I have been feeling really awful about myself.  Just look around.  I keep seeing things like this:

And this one is a personal favorite:

Oh, sorry Gwyneth. I didn't realize how hard it is to stay fit when you're rich enough to hire a personal trainer and a nanny and a maid.  I tried doing abs once with Charlie sitting on my stomach, but it must be nothing compared to your daily struggles.

And I kind of wonder why women in general are so hard on themselves about this.  Why does it make me a lazy good-for-nothing if I don't make time to work out?  I would never go to Brandon and say, "You know, I really appreciate that you have 3 kids and a doctorate degree and a successful, full-time job, but would it kill you to work out?"  No.  Because that would make me the whiniest wife in the world.  And he doesn't do that to me, either.  I do it to myself, which is even more ironic, because I am the one who carried and birthed all three kids.

So I decided to stop worrying about it.  I'm still trying to find a good exercise routine and enjoy it and fit that into my life. But I am done feeling bad about how I look and thinking I'm useless if I don't find time to work out every day.  I want to get better at photography.  I want to start painting again.  I want to plan really fun things to do with my family. Those are all more important to me than being skinnier.

Oh, and here's one last meme I especially liked:

You know, the strangest thing happened.  I stopped criticizing myself and to my surprise, there was no sudden onslaught of people complaining about how I look naked.  Weird.

26

I'm at this weird age where teenagers think I'm old and everyone else thinks I'm a baby.

It's true.  A couple of days ago I was talking to some people about the movie Frozen (because Violet loves it so much) and I said, "I thought it was cute, but I think it's weird that there are people my age who are really obsessed with it."  And then I realized that the people I was talking about are teenagers and I'm almost 10 years older than them.

But I'm also really awkward when socializing with adults.  If anyone mentions a year before 2006, I just stand there like this:

because that's the year I graduated high school.  And there's nothing better than having your friends realize that you were still in high school when they were, you know, doing things with their lives.

All that aside, I do feel very grown-up these days.  This year I went from having 2 kids and a husband in school and living in a 2-bedroom apartment to having 3 kids and a husband with an actual job and living in a 5-bedroom house.  It has been crazy, though, and some days...

it's definitely not what I expected.  To be fair, I did expect having 3 kids under 5 to be hard.  And it is.  They are... everywhere.  But they are also a lot of fun.  What I didn't expect was that having a house would be so expensive and so much work.  When Brandon first got his job offer, I was like:

Then lo and behold, we make a down payment, furnish our house, and buy a car, and it's all gone. 

But really, I can't complain.  Despite the hit our bank account took when we moved, the paychecks continue to come.  I'm still getting used to spending money but I am at least at the point where if I'm at a restaurant and they ask me if I want bacon with that, I don't have to think twice before saying yes.  And that. Feels. Awesome.  

So, back to my kids. One thing I learned from having 3 kids is that I should never, ever, under any circumstances, compare myself to my mom. I never used to think that 3 kids was a lot-- my mom had 6 of us! Twice as many!  And Brandon is one of 7.  Don't get me wrong-- I always knew that having kids was hard, I just didn't think having 3 would be all that different from having 2.  Guess what?

I am outnumbered, outgunned, and surprisingly often, outsmarted.  I have to choose between fulfilling very basic needs every day because there isn't enough of me to go around.  Do I feed Siena immediately and risk peeing my pants, or do I let her scream while I run to the bathroom first?  (Bathroom always wins.  Poor baby.)  Do I clean my house or spend time with Brandon? (Yep, this is why my house is always dirty.  Brandon is just too irresistible.) I face these dilemmas every day. But despite all of that, it is REALLY fun.  Siena is probably the sweetest baby I've ever met and she's a very good sport while I spend most of my time trying to capture her siblings and keep them from eating an entire bucket of Halloween candy in the closet and getting diarrhea.  (Only I am allowed to hide in closets and eat candy.  Duh.)

And dealing with my kids isn't nearly as frustrating as dealing with my post-pregnancy self.   When I had Violet, I hardly gained any weight and it all came off within 4 months without any exercise.  (It's okay to hate me.)  That whole experience gave me entirely unrealistic expectations which are not being met now that I'm recovering from my third pregnancy and I'm no longer 21.  I tried Jillian Michaels (yet another reason why I shouldn't think I can do something just because my mom does) and I actually gained weight after staring her 30-day shred.  Now when I do it, I get angry and start talking back to her on the DVD.  I hate when she tells me to decide that this is what I want.  Maybe this isn't what I want, Jillian.  Maybe I just want to lay on the couch and eat chips and queso.

 

Am I in over my head? Probably.  But it's okay, because I'm going to be done having kids before most people even start.  And that also. Feels. Great.  And for now, no matter how crazy it is, I'm having lots of fun.  Besides, I'm a grown up now.  I do what I want.