I'm (sort of) back!

Have you missed me?

Yes, my last post was about me having a really, terribly, horrible week.  But my lack of posting hasn't been because I've been antisocial and depressed-- it's because my computer broke.  So, even to write my last blog post, I had to stay up till 1:30 AM after Brandon went to sleep to write it on his computer, because he uses his all day long to write his thesis.

But I finally complained enough that he bought me a new one! Yes, a nice, fast computer of my very own.  So I'm happy to announce that I'm writing this blog post from.... Brandon's computer. No, I haven't actually used my new computer yet.  Brandon has been on it all night.  You know, that new computer that he bought just for me so that I could have one all to myself.  That one.

Life has still been a little rough for me, or at least full of ups and downs.  Months ago, when I was just starting to think about getting pregnant again, I thought, "Oh I'll be fine. I have easy pregnancies."  I tell that to myself every time.  It is a lie.  There is no such thing as an easy pregnancy.  I keep telling myself that since I don't throw up during my first trimester, my pregnancies are easy but then I forget about the times in my third trimester when I start crying because the fabric I wanted wasn't on sale, or because Violet wouldn't eat what I made her for dinner, or because I gave Brandon a bad haircut.  All of these are true stories.  Mentally, I just don't have it together.  Brandon read something the other day about how comedians are more likely to have mental illnesses like depression.  They apparently use humor as a coping device and I said, "That explains why my family loves it when I have a bad week. I do the same thing."  (I'm not saying that that is a bad thing.  It really does make me feel much better when someone can at least have a little entertainment from my drama.) But, really, I've been all over the place.  Sometimes I have good days and sometimes I don't want to have anything to do with my life. Although I've learned that if your mom texts you to ask how you're doing, there's no faster way to get her to show up at your house and offer to take you to dinner than to respond by saying that being awake makes you sad.  So I guess there are perks to being down in the dumps.

Fortunately for me, my kids (who are normally the biggest source of stress in my life) have been AWESOME.  I don't think any 4-year-old has ever been better at being the oldest child than Violet.  I have trouble sleeping at night, and usually fall asleep for a couple of hours during the day because I've been feeling a little sick again.  When Violet wakes up in the morning, she goes to the bathroom, puts a DVD on for herself, and gets something to eat without waking me up. Then she just sits and plays in the living room.  When Charlie wakes up, he doesn't even ask for me.  He yells from his crib,"Violet, I'm awake!  Get me out!"  Then Violet will climb in his crib, boost him up so that he can climb over, and help him get out.  She then shares her food with him and plays with him in the living room until I wake up.  Violet often has her outfit for the day picked out by the time I wake up.  When I finally stumble out of my room, I'm greeted by their smiling faces yelling, "Mommy, you're awake!  We're playing Frozen!" (or whatever game Violet has made up for them to play that morning.)  Yesterday Brandon was talking about how good they have been and he said, "I used to wonder how little kids could take care of themselves and their siblings when their parents would get drunk and pass out, but I guess now I know, because Violet is pretty good at taking care of herself and Charlie when you can't help them."  Yep, apparently when I'm pregnant I'm about as useful as a parent as a raging alcoholic.  Good to know.

Okay, just so that I don't look that bad, I'll have you know that I'm still a pretty involved parent. Just one that gets tired so easily that I pass out on my bed for a couple of hours every afternoon. I've been taking the kids to parks almost every afternoon, making dinner every night, and even taking trips to the zoo and the museum.  The kids have been having a fun time even if I have had a rough time lately.  Their little smiles and laughs, seeing them play with each other, listening to Charlie tell me what new kind of animal he is every day, watching how Violet makes sure that Charlie feels included in everything we do; these are the things that make all the work and emotional struggle worth it.  It lets me know that not only will I be okay, but they are going to be the best siblings this new little girl could ask for.